So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
