i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
