The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
