I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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