He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
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