I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
