I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
