Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
