every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
