So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
