I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
