Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
