Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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