he puts the penis in happiness.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
