I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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