And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
