Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
