i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
