Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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