my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
she told me i tasted like america
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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