I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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