I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
