Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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