I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
