Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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