So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
