i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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