Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
