sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
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You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
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Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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