im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
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