Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
God gave him joint rollers for hands
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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