i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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