hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
