come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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