my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
