What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
