is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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