So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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