I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
