Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
