Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
