im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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