it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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