he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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