I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
