I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
