Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
