I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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