He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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