Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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