Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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