It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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