i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
