i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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