I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
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Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
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do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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