Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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