Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
