ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
