six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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