I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
