Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
