I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
