Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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