yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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